A Glimpse by Candlelight
by Snow Duchess
Summary: She looked at me for just a moment, but it was enough. Spencer's thoughts at the end of Love and Kisses. Companion piece to Windows of the Heart and Mind. Oneshot.


_The companion piece to Windows of the Heart and Mind from Spencer's point of view. I actually wrote this back when the episodes were airing in France, so I'm happy I can finally post them without the whole spoiler drama. And, of course, the dialogue has been tweaked with proper English translation._

_In the episode, Spencer says she had two drinks, but I changed it to four just because I can. I mean, come on. Two? Really, Spence? That's adorable._

* * *

**A Glimpse by Candlelight**

You'd think I would have learned my lesson with alcohol after the Aiden disaster. But no. I watched a tape of Kyla trashing my girlfriend with lies and let my mind twist those lies into truths.

The Bloody Mary JONICA gave me just made me feel worse. The second and third, though, made all that hurt slip away in a river of vodka-laced tomato juice. And let me tell you, by the time that fourth glass was empty, JONICA was starting to look good. You know, if I squint _reeeaaaally_ hard in a liquored haze, she kind of looks like Leisha Hailey...

"I…kissed JONICA."

Like I said, I was squinting _really_ hard. Four Bloody Maries will do that to you.

Ashley has yet to respond. I search her face for any hint of a reaction, and I could _swear_ the corner of her mouth quirks up for a fraction of a second. In fact, I'm almost certain she's trying to _not_ smile. God, she's never going to let me live this down.

"Ash, say something."

She holds up a finger as she stares into space. "Just a sec. I'm trying to picture it…"

I smack her arm. "Shut up! It's not funny!"

Ashley, of course, laughs at me, but she quickly stifles it and kisses my cheek. "You made a mistake. You stopped it, and you told me about it. That's what matters."

"Really?"

"You're not perfect, Spence."

"Hey."

She erases my pout with a tender kiss, leaning her forehead against mine. "So…how about that candlelight dinner?"

Not much is said as the afternoon turns into night. We light candles, we eat dinner, and we pick a movie to watch. Which movie doesn't really matter because as soon as the opening credits begin to roll, my legs are pulled into her lap, and her mouth is on mine. It's sweet and it's loving and I don't think I could ever get enough of her. It's almost as if she's doing everything in her lips' power to obliterate the drunken kiss from my memory, and I'm hardly complaining.

But as the sun goes down, I sense something shift. It's so subtle, I can't even put a name on what it is, and I wonder if I'm imagining it. I wonder if it's merely a flicker of the candle flames. A falling shadow as the moon rises. An eerie quiet when the movie is finally turned off.

But I just can't shake the feeling that Ashley is holding back. That the silence has taken a different origin. That there's an invisible wall being built, not designed to keep me out, but rather to hold something of hers in.

I trace an idle pattern on her shoulder as I release her lips. "So seriously? You're not mad at me?"

I search her face again, but her eyes are on my legs in front of her. When she does look up, she keeps her gaze away from mine by mere degrees, focusing on the wall behind me.

"No, please. If our relationship cannot survive a few slutty, embarrassing, would-be indiscretions, then what's the point?"

She's talking about her own mistakes, I know, and her words offer me much needed comfort. It's times like this when I realize just how much Ashley has changed over the past months. It's also times like this when I remind myself that the old Ashley is bound to conflict with the new sooner or later.

Before I can dwell on it further, she attempts to switch gears. "I have something for you."

There. She looked at me for just a moment, but it was enough. That brief glimpse into her eyes was all I needed to see past her happy smile to the force behind it. Past the excitement in her gaze to the fear and pain hidden in its chocolate depths.

I'll admit, when the song she wrote for me starts playing softly in the background, I turn a bit giddy. I am not, however, so preoccupied that I miss the tiny nuances in her actions, the telling signs of her gloom. When she pulls me into a swaying embrace, she again avoids my gaze. She holds me a just a tad tighter than necessary. She turns her head away instead of nuzzling into my neck.

She thinks I don't notice, but I do. She thinks the music will distract me, but it doesn't. For some reason, the thought makes me smile. Always trying to protect me from the pain in the world.

My worry doesn't lessen, though. I may be able to read her emotions, but I can't read her thoughts. Those will forever be beyond my reach. But I know better than to pry before she's ready. So, I let her have the quiet. I let her hide in the dark. She'll tell me in her own time.

"I love you, Ash."

"I love you, too."

This time, _I'm_ the one holding _her_ closer, as those four words are enough to calm my mind. Like Ashley said: it's not worth it to let the small things get in the way, and this moment is too perfect to ruin. So I enjoy it. I let her lead. I hand her my heart.

And I trust her not to break it.

_End._


End file.
